Jedi Marri

Just ME, as I Am.

I Can Not Live Without You October 26, 2008

Filed under: writing — jedimarri @ 5:37 pm
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Art work by Bellatrix Art

“I can not live with out you.” The words rang in Cherie’s head like the fading toll of the nearby church bell as it called the Sunday morning worshipers inside for the service.  She could hardly believe that David had actually used that phrase; it seemed so trite, so over used.  One part of her wanted to roll her eyes in derision, another was afraid that he seriously meant it, and one hundred percent of her was conflicted over what to do about it.
Breaking off the relationship had been the right thing to do. It had taken her a long time to recognize it, but he had been manipulating her for a long time, and it was slowly destroying her.  Her friends and family had recognized it long before she did, so to use another trite phrase, maybe love truly is blind. Yet had it really been love? Cherie thought so, but she wondered, and as she wondered she began to walk.
Cherie knew walking through the park at twilight was probably not the smartest thing she’d ever done, but she was full of negative energy, and it was the only semi-healthy release she could think of.  Her mind wandered back to another fall evening as she kicked at the crackling leaves.  The two of them were walking hand in hand in silence.  David was in a good mood, practically dancing as he scuffed at the leaves, and somehow oblivious to her silent pain.  Earlier that day her Mom had set her down and given her a “good talking too.” Telling her that he was no good for her and trying to convince her to break off the relationship.  Her agony tonight was because she was torn between two people that she loved. Her mother was wise, she knew that, but she also loved this boy whose hand she held, and she couldn’t imagine living with out him.  “Couldn’t my Mom be wrong? Just this once?” she thought in desperation.
It had only been two years since that night, yet Cherie was still amazed at the naiveté of her younger self, and at the realization that she’d used the same phrase in her thoughts that now haunted her tonight with David’s voice.  She refused to allow him to draw her back into the relationship out of guilt. The hard part was that there was a part of her that would always love him, no matter how unhealthy she knew that was.  “What if he kills himself?” she asked herself in bitter pain, “What would I do then? It would be my fault…”
Slowly, as Cherie walked, she realized that she couldn’t let herself feel that way.  If he chose to do something stupid like commit suicide it was his choice, and allowing herself to feel guilt over whatever he chose to do with his life was simply allowing him to continue to control her.  It was going to be hard though.  For three years David had manipulated her and she was going to have a long battle ahead of her.  Squaring her shoulders she realized that Fall would always have a new meaning for her now.  For her, fall had always meant the end of the glorious summer she loved so much, a death of sorts as you headed into the dark and ugly winter.  Now, she would associate the bright leaves she saw with as marking a change for the better in her life.  No longer would she allow herself to think she could not live with out David, that she could not live without anyone, she was moving forward with her life.

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Well… October 25, 2008

Filed under: Life As It Is,writing — jedimarri @ 10:09 pm
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This evening I was sitting at my computer, and I realized I hadn’t blogged on here today, and I was kicking myself about it because I really want to start blogging on here on a regular basis again.  Problem was I couldn’t think of anything to write about!  It’s been a pretty boring day so I didn’t really have anything interesting to write about.  Then the idea hit me, I could search for random images until something sparked my interest and write a short story based off the picture! It would be perfect, it would give me an interesting picture to spice up my blog and it would get me writing which is something I can always use more practice in!

Following my genius plan I went to etsy and did a search in the art section, I figured if I found something in there I’d both have my inspiration AND I’d be promoting a fellow artist from etsy which is something I love doing! I found something that inspired me – and then I got all ethical.  I decided that I should ask the artist before I put their piece in my blog, and so I sent them an e-mail.  Either they think I’m crazy, or they haven’t checked etsy tonight 😛

My plan is to wait a day or two, if I don’t get any response I’ll post just what I wrote and no picture, if they respond favorably you’ll get both!

 

GREAT afternoon :) October 24, 2008

Filed under: Life As It Is — jedimarri @ 7:59 pm
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I really should get a picture – but I got a new coat this afternoon! It was fun 🙂 I really needed a new coat and my dearest Mommy offered to get me a new one.  We were trying to be thrifty so our plan was to hit the Goodwill, Value Villiage, TJ Max, Ross, and as a last resort, the Evil Empire.  Guess what? We found me an awesome coat at the first stop – Goodwill!  And only $15 🙂 I was excited 🙂

Mom and I spent the whole afternoon together.  Running her errands, buying me a coat, going to the bank, going grocery shopping, it was a ton of fun!  I’m really tired though.  I’ve been breathing a lot better the last two days, but I’m still getting really tired, really easy.  That’s ok, I got to slowly build up my strength!

Mo spent the afternoon doing “slave labor” for my Dad.  Hard work (like shoveling gravel and stacking wood) but hey – it made us money!

 

Writing? October 22, 2008

Filed under: Life As It Is — jedimarri @ 8:05 am

What? Write? Me? Yeah – right 😛 I’ve been so busy/sick/crazy that I keep forgetting to blog about it!  I am officially not going to do NaNoWriMo this year like I had hoped, I just can’t seem to write anything intelligent with everything that’s going on!  Which, while a little frustrating to me because I wanted to do it, I also thinks it’s the best decision for right now!

Ok, I know this is unbelievably short, but that’s all I have in my brain right now! I’m rather tired this morning…

 

Adjustments October 15, 2008

Filed under: Life As It Is — jedimarri @ 6:41 pm
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Life is full of adjustments.  Lately that’s all my life seems to be!  That’s ok though – what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?

Today was another one of those minor adjustments.  Nothing that was massive, but it still made me pause for a minute.  We went into DSHS for our appointment with a financial advisor to find out about food stamps and all that.  She was really nice and asked about a billion questions.  I’d been really nervouse going into the interview but i was able to stay calm and handle it well 🙂  We won’t be getting any cash assistance like we were hoping, but we will be getting food stamps.  Exact amount to be determined tomorrow.  We had to have my new boss fill out a form saying how much I’m getting paid and then tomorrow we go back to turn that in and get the EBT card.

Getting food stamps has been one of my adjustments, but it’s one that I’ve been preparing for mentally so there wasn’t much left to deal with emotionally today.  No, the interesting part was when we were answering all her questions and we got to the living situation.  Ok, so our current mailing address is my parents house, and our current residence is a place we’re house-sitting.  So we don’t have any residence of our own.  Where does this leave us? Homeless with temporary shelter.

That kinda hit me in the gut.  Not that I’m embarrassed to be homeles, it’s just, weird more than anything.  I mean – I used to work in a homeless shelter!  I know full well that there are a lot of reasons people end up homeless, and so I don’t attach the stigma to it that I would have when I was younger.  No, I think the weirdest part is that I always used to tell my clients I worked with at the shelter that I knew full way I could be in there place easily – and now I basically am.

My time at the shelter has been really useful though.  I have a much better idea what resources are out there for Mo and I because of working with the clients (even though I was the day care teacher) and I have a much more realistic view about our situation truly is than I probably would have other wise.

It’s still weird though.

 

Whew… October 14, 2008

Filed under: Life As It Is — jedimarri @ 8:05 am
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Yesterday was not what I was expecting.  It was both a really hard day and a really good day – somehow both at once!  Most of what was on the agenda for yesterday didn’t end up being accomplished because I had a pretty bad day asthma-wise.  Nothing life threatening – but bad enough that I was in a lot of pain and couldn’t function hardly at all.  So we rescheduled the Good Will and didn’t get me signed up for unemployment.  Which is fine because…I’m no longer unemployed!

That’s right, you heard me, I have a job!  I’m going to be transcribing for two different ladies at WSUV 🙂  It’s fantastic because I can do this out of the home and that’s exactly what I need at this point in my life.  I can’t tell you how good it feels to know I’m going to be contributing to the household again!  It’s been painful not working at all since last February.  Hard on my ego.  Which is probably a growing experience and all that… but it’ll still be nice to be earning some money again!

The other highlight of my day yesterday was La and Ri came over with a HuGE bag of books for me!  I called and asked if she would mind bringing me a few books – and they came with a huge bag! I was amazed and in awe.  I just wish I could have talked more while they were here – I was too low on air to be much company 😦

Today I’m getting my stitches out from my oral surgery last week and picking up my first tapes to transcribe! I’m excited 🙂  Well, not about the stitches, part, but definitely about picking up the tapes!

 

Wow – I’m a loser October 13, 2008

Filed under: Life As It Is,writing — jedimarri @ 8:15 am

So first I go all “I’m going to write a TON!” and then I go on a almost two week vacation from this blog 😛 And, from writing if the truth be known…  Bad Ruthie.  Why has all of this been the case? Well…there’s a number of factors.  There’s been a LOT on my plate lately.  Paperwork, doctors appointments, other appointments, helping Mo with job hunting, oh yes, and the asthma attacks haven’t really stopped either.  Good news is that they have gotten fewer and no where near as intense, but I’m still having attacks almost every day.

I’ve also been rather depressed – and overwhelmed.  I’m fighting it, and trying not to give in, but that’s where I’ve been at.  Just, a lot to deal with lately and some days it’s hard to cope with all the conflicting emotions.

It’s hard to write when I depressed.  Actually, it’s hard to do a lot of things.  I tend to lose a LOT of my motivation.  So it boils down just doing what absolutely has to be done I guess.

I have a lot on my plate today, but I DO want to try to start writing again.  I tend to forget how much I love it, how therapeutic it is!  So we’ll see if I’m able to get back to it today, and if not today then I’ll shoot for tomorrow 🙂

A lot on my plate – today we’re going down to the Goodwill for an appointment and then hopefully Work Source.  At the Goodwill they specialize in helping people who have handicapps and disabilities to find work.  I’m hoping they’ll be able to help me find something I’m capable of with my health problems.  *sigh*

Work Source is to try and apply me for unemployement.  Not to sure how that’s all going to work out – but we’re going to try!  We’re also going to be looking for job leads for Mo at both of those places.

Oh, and I have mail and bills to deal with.  Why am I writing about all this? Avoidence really 😛

Ok, off to be a good, responsible girl!